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Jokes to offend everyone!
Date:03/04/2010 Time: 03:36:59 PM
Jokes To Offend Everyone !
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie,
but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any .
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever .
What do attorneys use for birth control?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars
they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls .
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine ?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex ?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Verginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe." .
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
Date:04/20/2010 Time: 04:00:16 PM
The parking ticket!
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him
and said, 'Come on son, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a #*+%=+$ -head.
He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus, and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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