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Date:03/04/2010 Time: 03:36:59 PM      


Jokes To Offend Everyone !

What is a Yankee
The same as a quickie,
but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a  Hoover
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive
Because it's worth it

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy
bends over?

Why is air a lot like sex
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde
A golden retriever

What do attorneys use for birth control
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife
10 years and 45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?  
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
 sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars
they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex
Because they have cotton balls .

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant
"Are you sure it's mine

Why does  Mike Tyson  cry during sex
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Verginia
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby
They named him
" Sum Ting Wong "

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe
." .

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Date:04/20/2010 Time: 04:00:16 PM      

 The parking ticket!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  We went up to him
and said, 'Come on son, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'  He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a #*+%=+$ -head.

He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.  We came into town by bus, and the car had an Obama sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

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